My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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