he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
If I had your ass I would rule the world
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