Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
He better not be in your backpack
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
