hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
