party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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