We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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