I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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