2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
