I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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