I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
