it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
