don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
they're like a gay fantastic four
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
