Just fell off a train. Bad.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
