got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
