I'm going to jail i love you
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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