i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
