she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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