I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
