if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
