i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
