checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Randomize
