if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
