i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
