FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
