Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
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