so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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