I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
no, he came in my armpit
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
