Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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