I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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