dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
