that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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