I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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