Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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