Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
