If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
