im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I don't deserve a penis
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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