i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
