the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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