I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
organizing the empties. That sober.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
