Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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