I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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