Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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