Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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