I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
no. you can't hotbox the world.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
