Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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