I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Liz is crying about burritos again.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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