I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
