please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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