allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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