who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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