Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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