the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
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