your thong is hanging out like whoa
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
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