I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
