see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
