i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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