My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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