I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
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