What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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