turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
