i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I stole a fireplace last night.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
