I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
My brain says no but my pants say off.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Randomize
